For many, parenthood is a choice. A thoughtful decision made by those who are the most selfless and dedicated among us. But today, we also recognize a new kind of fatherhood: the kind accidentally thrust upon people when their roommates chose to leave their plants and quarantine with their hot Swedish boyfriends upstate.
Todd, a local 23 year-old, says that even though he “only dates chicks with IUDs”, he got a taste of parenting much sooner than he expected. When he found an apartment called “Plant-Filled Artist Loft” on a Facebook housing group earlier this year, he had no idea that this move would completely deprive him of his youth.
“Suddenly it’s just me, all alone, with a four-foot monstera, five philodendrons, two spider plants, seven pothos, fourteen succulents, a fiddle-stick fig tree, one extremely temperamental rattlesnake plant, and a PDF of watering tips that I found on an Ed’s Hardware Store website.”
While the shift has been sudden and extreme, Todd has found fulfillment in his new role.
“I finally get why people have kids. They make me look even hotter in my selfies, and they would literally die without me. For the first time in my life, I have real purpose. I am...necessary.”
Some say that fatherhood elicits a kind of love you did not previously know existed. This is certainly the case for 29 year-old Geoff, who used to spend his days arguing on Twitter against having children “in this economy”. But when his roommate fled to an isolated reservoir in Nova Scotia, Geoff became the brand new guardian of 48 new crystals.
“At first, I was like… okay, rocks. And then, one night, a single strip of light from the full moon in Scorpio made its way to them and they transformed in front of my eyes. I was filled with the sacred healing powers of these crystals, and I’ll never be the same.”
Throughout their time in isolation together, Geoff has experienced a boost in clarity, confidence, and recovery. “Amethyst is my favorite,” he told us. “It encourages tranquility and totally cures hangovers.” (Geoff owes his lack of hangovers completely to the crystal and not the fact that he sleeps until 3 PM and is unemployed.)
But not all tales of fatherhood have been as auspicious. Luke, a 34 year-old single man who has never dreamt of having kids, let alone met one woman who has ever looked at him with anything other than disgust, has been particularly affected by the weight of parenting.
On March 15, Luke’s neighbor asked him to take care of her three cats while she was stuck in Mexico. Overnight, his cramped studio went from underwhelming bachelor pad to a cat scratch palace for Binky, Dinky, and Stinky. As for the original owner? Mum’s the word.
“I tried contacting her, but she said she got cast on a virtual version of HGTV’s ‘Beachfront Bargain Hunt’ and now she lives in a 5 bedroom Tropical Oasis.”
When asked how he was faring with the new pets, he kept it brief but had noticeable tears in his eyes. “I’m allergic.”
As they say, “Fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man.” So today, don’t forget to call your perfect dad. And by call your perfect dad I mean Venmo the person who you left with all of your belongings. <3