This past Thursday, Loreen Buckheimer was driving up from Norfolk, VA, to attend her cousin’s baby shower in Frederick, MD. This was a route she took several times a year, so she was certainly not expecting anything out of the ordinary. Midway through the drive, however, she decided to pull off I-95 and relieve herself at an unassuming McDonald’s before hitting DC traffic.
“What can I say? I’ve had two kids,” she told us. “When you gotta go, you gotta go.”
While doing her business in one of the two McDonald’s stalls, she considered treating herself to a snack. “I was definitely tempted by the smell of hashbrowns. But then I thought about maybe getting something healthier, like one of those Fruit & Maple Oatmeals,” she remarked. But after checking her watch, she realized breakfast was already over. And much to her dismay, Fruit & Maple Oatmeal did NOT make the McDonald’s All-Day Breakfast Menu cut.
She decided to simply wash her hands and head out on the rest of her drive. But when she went to dry her hands with the World Dryer Hand Dryer, panic set in. In a shocking turn of events, she found that the World Dryer Hand Dryer was making her hands somehow even wetter than when they were fully submerged in faucet water.
“Everything around me was soaked,” Loreen said. “My tracksuit was drenched, and I was standing in a 4 inch pool of my own drippings.” She scoured the walls for any sign of a paper towel dispenser, but found nothing but moldy tile.
In a soggy frenzy, she dashed to the condiments bar near the cash registers. “I thought if I could just grab a napkin, it would all be over.” But her blunder had already caused a wave of devastation behind her. Children were screaming for their parents out of fear of drowning. At least one elderly woman slipped.
When we asked the McDonald’s manager why he didn’t put the Caution: Wet Floor sign up immediately, he claimed, “I just couldn’t get to it in time. We were all knocked out by this storm she brought with her.” The manager did note they would be installing lifeboats this week, in case this kind of rampage ever happened again.
As for Loreen, she found that the condiment bar napkin did nothing but chafe her sopping hands. She swam out of the restaurant as quickly as she could, but not without causing all of the cars in the parking lot to hydroplane.
Although she did make it to her cousin’s baby shower eventually, she told us she will not be stopping to use the restroom at McDonald’s on her drive home. “I really saw my life flash before my eyes,” she said. “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”