Thai Elephants Thrilled To Hear They Appear In 1 Out Of Every 4 Dating App Profiles!

Machu Picchu. The Vessel at Hudson Yards. Your sister’s wedding. What do all of these locations have in common? They’re the-place-to-be if you want a Hot Pic for your dating app profile! But recently, there’s a new trend on the rise, and it’s only 8,295 miles away from where you’re currently swiping.


Elephant Nature Park in Chiang Mai, Thailand, is not only a beautiful sanctuary for abused elephants, but it’s also your ticket to a mediocre date with Jason from Connecticut, whose job is listed as “Consultant at Finance”. Our team hopped on a casual 21 hour flight to the park to let these formerly mistreated creatures know that horny millennials are dedicating their lives to uphold the mission of the rehabilitation center.

Upon our arrival on the sprawling grounds, we met Mia, a stunning 7 foot tall cow who has lived at the park for 4 years. Mia is no stranger to white people seeking voluntourism opportunities. Remarkably enough, when we showed her several Bumble profiles, she quickly remembered the faces of these visitors. 


“Ah, Shannon,” Mia said. “The one with the Into The Wild quote tattooed on her left forearm. Oh, Megan! She identifies as the ‘Jessa’ of her friend group. And Shawn, with the Allbirds. God, those reeked.” She shook her head. “An elephant never forgets.”


But when we told her that their visits didn’t end the day they left Thailand, that they were still sharing Mia’s story via thirst-traps, Mia became emotional.


“Think of what this kind of publicity could do for my home, and for elephant sanctuaries across the country! But most importantly, think of what it could do for Amanda in Alphabet City seeking 24-29 year old men.”


Featuring an elephant like Mia in your dating app profile will increase your likes 10 times more than a $96/year Hinge Premium (yes that is lit e r a l l y how much it costs) account will. Photos taken at Elephant Nature Park will demonstrate that you’re compassionate, you love to travel, you enjoy spending time outdoors, you have a trust fund, and it’s cuffing season. So hurry! Your biological clock is ticking and you haven’t felt human touch in three years and you have no one to tell you that your olive sweater smells a little mildewy and you will likely die by choking on a piece of fusilli alone in your apartment. Book your tickets to Thailand today! 

© 2019 by Natalie Myrick